still striking...

She's still refusing to feed but the good news is she drank some apple juice from her cup so I was a bit less stressed.  I've got a bit more chilled about the fact that this may lead to us giving up breastfeeding, at the end of the day the important thing is for her to get fluid in her, whatever way.  She seems to only drink from a cup when at her high chair, so refused milk at bedtime again.  I will concentrate on just getting liquid in her for the next few days (whilst still offering her feeds) and then worry about getting her to drink milk from a cup in a few days time.  I can't see her changing her mind about feeding from me, she's a stubborn little soul, but am pumping a bit, more to stop my boobs exploding than anything.
Paul's work colleague had a baby boy a week before Becca came along, and he is in intensive care in Bristol hospital with breathing issues.  Kind of puts it in perspective.....

So I'm trying to remain positive and not stress out about this nursing strike.  This is much easier to do once she is sleep as she is not wailing..... One a good note, she is eating fine, seems healthy and managed to sip some water from her cup, and went to bed OK.  One the negative side, she still refuses to feed from me, wails and writhes away when I try, doesn't really drink much from a cup and is pretty miserable and knackered. If she was drinking well from a cup I would probably be OK about stopping feeding - the prospect of a new bra and a night away from her would give me the feeling it was ok.  But she's just not able (willing?!) to drink well from a cup at all, and flatly refuses a bottle.  Ah well, lets see what tomorrow holds.

Yesterday we headed to Waitrose to pick up a new kettle.  I don't normally brave the supermarket with 2 kids in tow, so this was a bit of a one-off.  They did look cute in a double trolley though....

On strike

Yesterday Rebecca gave me a nip a few times when feeding, the third time I yelped a bit loudly and sat her on the floor and said "No" - and she cried.  And then decided to go on nursing strike.  So for the past 24 hours when I try and feed her she has writhed, screamed and cried her little heart out.  It wouldn't be so bad if she was willing to drink from a bottle or a cup but she takes barely a sip before stopping, spluttering or simply refuses.  It doesn't exactly make me feel happy either as this was not the way I wanted to stop feeding at all.  It's not been an easy day as she's been really upset a lot of the day and tired too.  A lot of the guidance about dealing with nursing strikes says to try and spend time cuddled up together, have a bath or go back to bed.  All this would have been OK had i not had a hair appointment, had to sort out Ben for nursery and then spend all afternoon waiting for a bloody plumber to turn up who, when I called him at 4pm had "got caught up in another job" and hadn't bothered to let me know.  Aaargh  What a bloody frustrating day all round

Relaxing weekend

It's been a nice weekend, relaxing in the sense of not stressful, if not sleep filled, but then I have come to accept that life with kids is never sleep filled and you just have to accept knackeredness and get on with the day... Rebecca seemed to remember how to nap and had some seriously long sleeps, we spent time in the garden, Ben played with the water sprayer a lot of the time, 'cleaning' the car and trying to knock the (ungrown) apples off the tree with bamboo sticks.
This afternoon we popped to Staverton to see some planes. Top banana.

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Afternoon tea

Yesterday I went out for the afternoon to Montpellier Chapter for afternoon tea - Amy's babyshower.  Being out with 7 midwives makes for interesting conversations.....  anyway, the food was really lovely and it was sooooo nice to have a conversation which wasn't interrupted every five minutes....

Under the weather

I've not had a good month health wise.  I appreciate we're not exactly talking an episode of Holby City or Casualty here, but I had the ear thingy which led me to be dizzy and queasy, which reared it's ugly head again yesterday, then there was the bug that Ben so kindly passed onto me on Sunday, and my ongoing painful hands which I am going to see the Dr about tomorrow. I have a feeling it may be a little bit of arthritis.

I feel sorry for Paul who has to take the brunt of my complaining (something to do with being brought up in an unsympathetic family means I am programmed to whinge a lot as it was the only way to get any attention in our house).  But it's weird. I find it's less that I'm unhappy about being ill, but more about the underlying dread that if something goes properly wrong, how it will impact on the kids.  It's not an aspect of parenting that I considered when deciding to have a family, but the responsibility of "being there" for Ben and Rebecca really weighs heavily on me in moments when I am not feeling 100%.  That said, alongside accidents, bullying, tsunamis and my kids' future bad girlfriend/boyfriend choices, there's not really much I can do about these things so I just have to not fret and let things happen.  But sometimes (especially in the early hours of the morning) that is easier said that done.

I'm currently reading this book at the moment.  Under normal circumstances I would have devoured it within a few days, it is so good.  But being unable to keep my concentration going at night for more than 10 minutes it is taking me much longer.  But I am really enjoying it, and it is making me laugh out loud.  I'd recommend it to anyone who has kids.

In other news I bought a new sling this week, a ring sling as it seemed to me that Rebecca liked being carried on my hip rather than on the back, and she is getting to heavy for the Baby Bjorn.  It arrived and we have tried it a few times with some real success.  We went into town this afternoon with Paul pushing Ben in the pram and me carrying Rebecca and she seemed very content, so much so that she "chattered" away the whole time, and was very cute and smiley whenever anyone stopped to talk to her.  Fingers crossed this continues....

Failure is the only option

Having 1 kid is hard.  Having 2 is harder.  Add one of them being ill into the mix and you can multiply that 10 fold.  Since having Rebecca I regularly feel as though neither child gets enough attention, and this is getting harder now that she is awake more and wanting more attention.  But today, with Ben vomiting like that girl from  the Exorcist my feelings of maternal failure were right at the top of the scale.  Rebecca was crying cos she is teething and I was ignoring her.  Ben was in tears (understandably).  He and I, and the floor were covered in vomit and I just didn't know where to start.  In the end I stripped up both off, ignored the floor and Becca (having put her somewhere safe) get us into new clothes and gave him a big cuddle.  Then got vomited on again.  Hey ho.
After the 3rd vomit he declared "I feel much better Mummy" which was a relief, so I sat him on the sofa cuddling teddy and watching Shaun the Sheep whilst I tried to make it up to Becca, but then still feeling guilty for not sitting with Ben.
He threw up again later but seemed to perk up after that so hopefully will be OK tonight.  I desperately hope so as I am shattered and it seems that Paul had a particularly bad day too....  So onto making tea, having a glass of wine and washing the dried vomit out of my hair.  Glamorous life.

It's all about standing up now...

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Teething, clingy daughter and manic son

So apparently Ben didn't nap at nursery today.  The staff told me he was a little "manic" this afternoon.  i think this is probably nursery speak for "he was a little shit all afternoon" given my own experience of Ben when he doesn't nap.  hey ho, maybe I will reap the benefit tomorrow although experience has shown that's often not the case and he is usually really tearful the next day.
Rebecca, on the other hand, needed lots of sleep today following a night of being clingier than a clingy clingon.  She would yell, fall asleep in our arms, be put down in her cot and immediately push herself up into a sitting position and yell again.  This went on for a LONG TIME about midnight/-ish which led to a seriously droopy-eyed mum and dad this morning.  She's been a bit rubbish for the past few days and is clearly getting another tooth, well I say clearly, but that's only really from the symptoms rather than actually seeing a tooth.  Thought we saw it Sunday, but then it disappeared yesterday, but I think it's visible again today, but it may just be us imagining things and wanting to see something for our troubles.
On the more positive side she is great fun now and watching her stand herself up is funny (except in the bath where she seems to refuse to sit down now).  Ben is also really sweet at the moment (when not sleep deprived) although his world has just got tougher now that Becca is on the move and constantly trying to eat his toys.  The house now constantly rings to the sound of "No Becca, that's my toy...."

In the dew of little things...

our heart finds it's morning and it is refreshed. (Kahlil Gibran)
One of the best things about being a mum is seeing the world through a child's eyes again.  Sometimes, when I'm desperately trying to hurry Ben along to playgroup or the shop I get frustrated at his dawdling.  And then I try and remind myself that it doesn't matter if we are late as the world will go on turning and the main purpose of the trip is usually to get somewhere to amuse him anyway, so if he is amused en route then that should be just as important.  Today he found the biggest joy in carrying a stick with him to and round the shop.  Last week it was all about jumping in puddles, and often at the moment he is completely thrilled when finding and blowing a dandelion clock. I know this wide-eyed enthusiasm at everything won't last, so I am trying to enjoy while I can.

Mr Tumble...

We had friends over yesterday and had a lovely day chatting. There were 2 older kids who played really well with Ben and he had a fab time. Only slight flaw was that we were busy gossiping and left them to play a bit too much which resulted in Ben falling down the stairs. Luckily the carpet at the bottom which we put there 2 years ago finally proved it's worth, and he seemed to do an impressive roll which meant there was no real damage and after a few tears and a cuddle he seemed fine, and looks no worse for wear this morning. It's scary stuff though and you realise how quickly things like that can happen.....
Rebecca, meanwhile, seems to have more teething issues as she was pretty miserable Yesterday and woke up a lot in the night. So we are definitely on a calpol day today.....


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Meringue Queen

I've never tried to make meringues before last week.  My mum's are the best, crispy yet chewy in the middle -  and sometimes it's not worth trying to recreate perfection.  But I got hold of Lisa Faulkner's cookery book from the library and subsequently got it for my birthday and it had a lot of my mum's classic recipes in - our mums were obviously from the same era.  Lisa Faulkner's mum died when she was little but passed on her recipes.  I'm incredibly lucky to still have my mum about but as time passes I realise that this won't always be the case and one of the things I don't want to lose is the food that I hold dear to my heart from childhood (and adulthood!).
So, coronation chicken was attempted last week, with pretty good results, as well as a chocolate cake which, for the first time ever, I was really proud of.  And of course, those meringues which were, if I say so myself, a pretty impressive attempt - yes they were chewy inside!  They were from my mum's recipe whereas the other 2 were from the recipe book.  I do love cookery books but often don't actually use anything from them, but I have to say this one is really inspiring me to use it.
The next things on the list are Pavlova, Lemon Curd (my mum's recipe) , french onion soup and spicy coleslaw. Bring on the baking!

Have done a little bit of HR work today and yesterday which has surprisingly uplifted me.  the beauty of what I do now is that it is project work which has a clear start and end and doesn't involve dealing with too many annoying employees.  I came away from my conversation on the phone yesterday morning on a real high, simply because it had used my brain a bit and I felt like I was worthwhile.  It's not that I'm not happy being a mum.  I love it, and god knows I don't want to work full time again.  But if I can do a bit of work now and again then that is brilliant.  I'm really lucky that so far it seems possible.
I have a hope that I can go to a law update in a months time which will be a whole day out.  I need to work up to it with Rebecca though as I've not left her for more than a few hours up to now, but in a way I need this to push me to do it.  I think I am a lot more soft on her, and she is clingy, although I';m not sure whether she's cling because I'm soft, or visa versa.  By this time with Ben he was at nursery one day a week....

Soggy Camping

This last weekend was the Diamond Jubilee weekend, which provided us with a good excuse to get out some bunting, wave some flags, and have an extended weekend of camping with friends.  This filled me with happiness at the prospect of seeing Sagga friends and spending time with them, and dread at the idea of sleeping in a tent with a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old.  In actual fact, the sleeping in the tent with them was the relatively easy bit - Ben settled like a little star and slept all night both nights, and Rebecca wasn't too bad, she woke a few times but went back to sleep with a bit of comfort feeding (although this made me very cold!).  So the positive that I can take away from it all is that the actual camping with kids can be done, and hopefully will be done again. However next time I will make sure of  a few things, following these important life lessons I have learned -

• In Context, In Car DVD Players are a Good Thing.
• Camping further away from home that 2 hours is NOT a Good Thing
• Camping with kids in torrential rain is NOT a Good Thing
• Using a campsite where you can park the car next to the tent is  a Good Thing
• Sometimes Soft Play is a Very Good Thing

Oh yes - it was a long way, and very wet and cold.  This was so frustrating after such a lovely couple of weeks in the sunshine, but the weather really was horrendous which made is really tough at times.
Thank goodness for the hard work of friends who made sure that we had food/hot water etc, and managed to sort out a wonderfully warm scout hut for the Sunday afternoon as an emergency measure, without which I'm not sure I would have held it together!

The journey there was long and hard, with delays on the motorway.  A 3.5 hour journey ended up taking us 6, although this included a good long lunch stop.  We diverted and round a lovely place to have lunch and stretch our legs, and I forced Paul into setting up the portable DVD player for Ben in the car that we had borrowed from Matt and Les.  He was reluctant, but within 5 minutes of setting back off, with Ben happily watching Shaun the Sheep in silence, he was won over.....  Lesson 1 - in context,  In Car DVDs are a Good Thing.

Sunday morning we woke to rain rain rain.  After having the "shall we just give up and go home" conversation, we retreated to a soft play in the morning, which soothed my soul as I never thought a soft play could.  We all then returned to site to the wonderful news about the building which meant we were able to let the kids have fun in the warm and dry, and we could relax with a takeaway pizza and a glass of wine.

The next morning was mainly dry with a little sunshine which allowed us to dry our tents and pack up - packing was not an easy job as the cars were parked a long way from the tents and we had to use trolleys to transport everything - as Paul said "you scouts don't really make things easy for yourselves do you....".  So by the time we left for home after lunch I was pretty shattered having spent the morning chasing after kids/trying to sort out stuff and not really getting round to eating or drinking properly as I was too busy sorting them out.  We were heading to Mat and Les's house so that we could drop off the camping stuff as they were borrowing it, which meant a diversion but actually, in the end, that was a bloody good thing.

I was feeling grim but fell asleep in the car so hoped I would feel better on waking.  Rebecca and Ben also slept the entire way.  However I didn't feel any better and when we got to Sutton Coldfield and actually had to go to bed after throwing up at their house.  I felt a little better after that so we decided to head on back home but Ben had a meltdown getting back in the car when we wouldn't let him climb into his seat and put his seat belt on himself (he was too tired to manage it).  We then had an hour journey home of him wailing "That's my job"... with Rebecca joining in on the crying for the last 30 minutes.  Unfortunately we had had to give back the DVD player to Matt otherwise this may have distracted him.  So we arrived home shattered with wailing children who we  eventually managed to get to bed, and collapsed ourselves.

So, in summary "overambitious" was how we would describe the weekend.  That said, it really was great to see everyone, and we're glad we did it, now that we have recovered!  But next time we will stick to a bit more local, and make sure the sun is shining (and buy a DVD player!).